Wedding Gifts and Living in Community

HS #52 2019.12.12

Wedding Gifts and Living in Community

While in graduate school I regularly received wedding invitations from former college friends. Since I was living on a grad student stipend, I typically sent just a card.  However, for one good-humored friend, I included a $1 bill and also taped in a quarter. I explained that he was such a good friend that I wanted to include money in his card - and sending just a dollar seemed rather cheap. 

He has never forgotten. 

Back up five years when I graduated from high school. Being a preacher’s kid, we invited the entire congregation. Most folk put $3-$5 in a card. One elderly widow lady gave me a pair of socks. That is the only gift and giver I remember.

Keep those stories in mind and answer this question: Why do folks give gift cards rather than cash/check? Gift cards restrict the purchase to a certain place and often within a certain time, it takes extra effort to buy them, and sometimes there is an extra fee attached. All negatives. What's the advantage? The advantage is something folk feel in their bones, but likely have not elucidated in their thinking: By giving a gift card, you are demonstrating that you put effort into the gift and are causing the recipient to think of you when they use it. A $50 bill is added to the pile and deposited in the bank. But a Target gift card reminds them that this deck chair is from Aunt Milly and Uncle Joe, and hopefully Milly and Joe will be lovingly remembered when the chair is bought and used. 

And why do we want to be remembered? Biologists tell us that it’s to our benefit because the relationship will be strengthened. Perhaps the recipient will reciprocate. After all, Milly and Joe have a golden retriever who needs care when they go to Chicago for the weekend. 

As a Dutch pragmatist, I want to both optimize value and minimize effort, 

so I put checks into wedding cards for some arbitrary amount, say, $52.38. Then  several weeks later I get a thank you card explaining that the couple spent an evening discussing the significance of the amount. Mission accomplished. They will never forget me and my gift. 

We bestow medals for similar reasons.  It’s to our benefit to have others in our group act valiantly. Their bravery and risk of life and limb serves our purpose – it keeps us safe. A medal is a small price to encourage others to follow their lead. Ironically, we selfishly encourage others to be unselfish.

Let’s call a spade a spade: Whether in the way we give gifts, or the way we honor our heroes, our “unselfish” acts are likely motivated at the core by our own self-interest. But no self-flagellation needed. That’s the way we evolved. We are hard-wired to form group relationships so others will help take care of us.  

Proof? A famous psychology experiment gathered a collection of strangers and arbitrarily put them into two groups.  Then each group was offered a choice: They get $3 and members of the other group get $5, or they get $2 and members of the  other group get $1. Most chose the later. In that short time, a “we-they” competition had developed, and folk’s priority was getting more than the other group.

This clumping together which aids survival helps explain birthday parties, tree houses (password required for entry), sororities and the Masonic Lodge. Significantly, since we have evolved to live in groups, it also explains why taking others into account leads to good living. 

Dale Carnegie’s classic, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” explains how to take full advantage of our social nature. He writes, “There is one all important law of human conduct which will bring us constant happiness: Always make the other person feel important.” 

The most successful contestant in the twenty years of the reality TV show “Survivor” is Boston Rob. He explains his recipe for being chosen by others as the winner: “Others go to bed thinking, ‘What do I need to do to win?’ I go to bed thinking, ‘What does each of them need to do to win.’ – then I help them achieve it.” 

Rob realized that in helping others, he ultimately helped himself. 

Indeed! Five years ago when my retired neighbor moved next door with a broken mower, I mowed his lawn. He hasn’t let me mow my own lawn since.