HS #50 2019.10.10
A Wedding Reflection
Officiating a wedding recently brought some new thoughts:
As a single man with single siblings, I can think of no one with less experience in weddings than I. But I’ll take heart from an Old Testament story - the story of Balaam who was confronted – in fact rebuked – by a talking ass. Well, to avoid confusion, let’s call it a talking donkey. The point of the story seems to be that advice and even wisdom can sometimes come from unlikely places - so I’ll play the part of the ass for this occasion.
What I do know about marriage, I have learned – as with much else - from scientific research. In 1994 there was a cover story of a TIME magazine: “Infidelity: It may be in our Genes.” The researchers looked at the various primates – apes, gorillas, chimps – all those in the same family with Homo sapiens. They noted the phenotypes - the outward physical bodies - of these apes and then also observed their mating behaviors. In particular, some are monogamous and others polygamous. Then they asked: Given the phenotype of humans, what behavior would we expect? The answer: humans appear to be designed NOT to be monogamous.
That explains much we see in society. But it raises a more compelling question: Given our natural proclivities, why do so many human couples remain faithful?
For many, the reason is their religious beliefs. Dr. Leon Kass, of the University of Chicago and chosen by GWB to steer the study of stem cell research, once remarked that the purpose of the Jewish scripture was to keep humans faithful to their spouses.
That’s surprising, given the 750 wives of Solomon, but consider the first couple chapters of the Pentateuch. Good stories and poems are sometimes achieved by setting up a pattern and then breaking it. This is exactly what we see in chapters 1&2 of Genesis. The author repeatedly says, “And God made - and it was good.” Over and over. But these phrases lead to the climax: It is NOT good that man should be alone – so God made Eve. The reason given was not for Eve to be a sexual partner nor even the mother of offspring – although these of course are understood. Instead, Eve was made to be a helper, a life partner – someone with whom to walk through life.
Is this story literally true? It doesn’t matter. This story has survived 4000 years. Chaff – lesser stories - have long since blown away. This story – among others from antiquity – remains because it contains deep wisdom about the human condition. Namely, humans are made to be completed by another. In Greek mythology, the notion of soul mate expresses the same wisdom. My late father, a minister, used to say, “A man is not complete until he’s married - then he’s finished.”
However, many of my friends from past and present have little regard for religious beliefs and traditions. Yet many of them have – from what I see – good marriages and raise wonderful children. One was my thesis advisor. He once invited me to his home for dinner, and I noticed a plaque on his living room coffee table that I have never forgotten. It said simply: “Choose your Love. Love your Choice.”
Powerful! Why? It is making a claim on human conduct not dependent on the will of God or law of man, but a claim almost mathematical in its logical simplicity and symmetry.
Each person has total freedom to make their choice of a life mate. The recent Supreme Court ruling allowing same-sex marriage underlines that freedom. No hindrances, no encumbrances - make your choice.
But, with that choice comes an awful responsibility. The choosing is over – those days are past. Now Love your Choice.
And THAT is why we are all gathered here today – to solemnize your choices via your vows to each other in front of all of us. It is not to be made lightly. There should be a little trepidation even now. You are going through a doorway. It is meant to be a semipermeable membrane. You are taking vows freely – you came here as two individuals, you will be leaving as one couple – a man and his partner, a woman and her partner. It is a holy moment. “Holy” means “set apart” - something special. This is. Even the words used are special. Again quoting my father, “Marriage is one big “I do” followed by a lifetime of “uh-huhs.”
